Fights With Your Neighbours

You have the house, wife, two kids and car and are living the modern dream. What new frontiers can you, the red blooded male conquer but those which abut your own garden?

As people live closer and closer together, neighbour disputes become increasingly common. Dogs, children, fences, wives, noise etc., there is plenty to disagree about.

You may find The Art of War to be particularly useful in this instance. It basically concerns neighbourhood disputes in Ancient China. It offers practical advice such as the “Object of War is Peace” especially useful in considering reprisals against a brainless neighbour.

You may also find it useful to note that, like some judges, the police can be swayed by a well presented case, particularly when it comes to neighbour disputes.

But how do you put together a well presented case? Well, one person’s word against another’s is not really good enough. What you need are independent witnesses (not relatives). Most families have video cameras. Use them. It is also best to avoid quarrels with neighbours who you know to have criminal convictions. They do not fear arrest and have a working knowledge of the laws of evidence through grim experience.

Expect your complaint to be met with a counter complaint. Therefore, while building your case, you must insist on iron discipline within your own family.

What type of evidence do you need? Well, your neighbour shouting is ok to show intent especially if there are threats of violence. But what you are really looking for is some violence towards you, or more preferably your wife.

Provocation is no defence against a criminal charge unless, of course, you kill your neighbour. In the case of murder, you will need full details of your neighbour’s irritating, highly provocative conduct to gain valuable years off your sentence.

So will your neighbour’s criminal trial and conviction be the end of the matter? Of course not, but some would view it as a very satisfying start.

If keeping on good terms with your neighbour is becoming increasingly difficult and you want to avoid the hassle, the best option I’m afraid, is to move house.

Yet, if you feel that this is too drastic a course of action, then the answer is to leave your neighbour alone and take your frustrations out on waiters, bank clerks, taxi drivers, motorists and others of modest stature who preferably do not know where you live.

brennans